Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
