I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
