you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
