i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
