I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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