hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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