She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
