We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
