I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
