I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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