sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
