Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
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