My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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