just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
