I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
