Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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