yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
