Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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