Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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