Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
