Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
