So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
