The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
