Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
