You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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