If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
do nipples grow back?
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