she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
