Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I looked at my own cervix.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
