omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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