someone get that fucking seahorse.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
