Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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