One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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