I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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