so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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