And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
