I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
