I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
