I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
