you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
