I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
