Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
