1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
