I wish life had little blips of pornography
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
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