i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
