for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
