Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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