I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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