On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
