You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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