Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
